Been Mine
by Ria
Summary: Ken Ichijouji, boy genius and the Digimon Kaiser, reflects on his feelings for a certain ... ahem ... someone. Warning: Yaoi fic. (Kensuke)


**Disclaimer:** Digimon isn't mine, Ken Ichijouji or Daisuke Motomiya aren't mine neither (though for Ken I can wish), basically nothing - except this fic - is mine. It's all belonged to Bandai, Toei etc. No profit's been made and I'm only borrowing everything. So don't sue, please? 

**Warning:** This fic is **yaoi**, which means a boy is going to be having a crush/feelings etc. for another boy. If you don't like it, then please don't read it. Don't flame either. I warned you not to read it, so if you do and don't like it, you can't blame me. Anyway for everyone else reading it, I hope you like it. And be nice - it's my first attempt at Kensuke! 

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**Been Mine   
By Ria**

I stare up at the stars. Even though I'd never admit it, they are beautiful. Often I'd just spend nights like this staring out at the night in my fortress, trying to clear my thoughts and prepare myself for yet another day as the Digimon Kaiser. Even though many would not believe it, being in my position is actually more troublesome than it seems. When I first decided to become the Kaiser, I hadn't vouched for anyone actually coming to battle me for this world. I hadn't realised I would be put against the Chosen Ones, the Digidestined. I hadn't realised a lot of things. 

I am a fool. 

The words dance enticingly around my mind, begging to be believed even more. I have secretly harboured this thought for a long time, and it has resurfaced at the odd moment as well. Even now, I am not sure whether to believe it or not. For I am not only the Digimon Kaiser, I am Ken Ichijouji as well, famed boy genius, soccer star and heart throb. I am not sure whether the Kaiser and Ken Ichijouji are the same person or are separate people. Often it is difficult to distinguish between the two. Ken Ichijouji can be just as cruel as the Kaiser and the Kaiser can sometimes be as normal as Ken Ichijouji. The differences and the similarities often drive me mad at times. 

And still ... even though I have everything I want - power, control, fame, money, respect - it is not enough. There is something missing. Something I want desperately, but cannot have. For the one thing I want more than anything else I have, is forbidden to me. I cannot have it, nor can I have that one person. I'm sure you can guess what it is by now. It may seem like a simple, ordinary thing to you, but to me it is something precious and something that should be cherished and never taken for granted. 

It is love. 

I'm not saying I don't want all the other things - I do naturally, but love is something different. It is something that cannot be bought or bribed for. It is given in complete acceptance and with uttermost trust. Given to one by another who loves them simply for being who they are. No masks, no alias needed. Just for being who they are meant to be. But even for me, that one phrase - 'for being who they are meant to be' - causes problems. What if I was _meant_ to be the Digimon Kaiser? What if this is to be my destiny? Can my love accept me for who I am, if that is what I am meant to be? 

Somehow ... I doubt that. 

My love is a very righteous person, who believes wholeheartedly in Good winning over Evil. And that is what I am - Evil. While my beloved is for all that is good and upright, I am for all that is evil and treacherous. Perhaps that is what my true self is - as treacherous as a snake, with deadly poison. Maybe I was always like that, even as a child, before Osamu ... died. Perhaps it was my evil that unknowingly caused his death. I shall never know, that much is true. But it will never stop me wondering. If only ... 

Perhaps I really am evil, but then what truly is evil? We have all being evil for one brief moment in time. When Taichi Kamiya became obsessed with his digimon's evolution and forced him to digivolve to Ultimate - and caused the corruption into the abomination Skullgreymon. And when Takeru Takaishi momentarily turned against Patamon and against his destiny as the Keeper of Hope. That was evil in a way, a child's evil but evil nevertheless. And when Mimi Tachikawa threw Taichi and Jyou into the dungeon, along with their digimon as well as her own, just because she did not want to give up the life of a privileged princess? When Sora Takenouchi became convinced her crest would never glow and never forced her digimon not to fight? Or when Yamato Ishida was warped into thinking Taichi and his friends, as well as his destiny was all against him? When he became evil as I am, and nearly drove the Digidestined apart? They forgave him, as they did with all the others who made their own mistakes. 

Would they ever forgive me? Or, more importantly, would my own dear love forgive me? 

Somehow, I find that hard to believe. I have done terrible things as the Digimon Kaiser. I have enslaved good digimon and tortured many innocent ones. I have hurt many, as well as the Digidestined themselves. Perhaps someone like me doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Perhaps someone as evil as me is destined to be forever alone, knowing nothing that most humans take for granted. 

It is frighteningly possible. It is something that could very well happen. 

The night is growing longer. The moon is beginning to rise now, a large, luminous orb that glows eerily in the dark velvet of the sky, surrounded by twinkling stars. I sigh softly, depressed. I wonder what my love is doing now? Perhaps he is safe in the Real World, Earth, safe in his own bed, surrounded by those who love and care for him. Or perhaps he is here, now, asleep somewhere while I stand here, thinking about him. Does he ever wonder about me, apart from to hate me? Does he ever wonder how I came to be what I now am? 

Does he ever wonder why I act the way I do around him? 

Even to me, it is plainly obvious I react differently around him than I do to the others. I even believe some of the other Dididestined as beginning to suspect something. Hikari Kamiya, Keeper of Light and sister to the former Keeper of Courage is beginning to suspect I think. I often see her watching me suspiciously, her eyes sidling to him and then back to me. Does she know the truth? Does she know I hold feelings for him? Would she ever forgive me enough to let me confide in her? I wish I knew. For once in my life, I do not know the answer to something. It troubles me greatly. 

Does my beloved ever wonder why he alone directly faces me, while the others deal with something else I fling at them? Does he ever wonder why I take such pleasure in toying with him, 'playing' with him so to speak, whilst thinking about so many other things I could be doing to him, if only I could admit my feelings? Does he ever? 

I never thought I would feel this way for anyone, never mind a _boy_. I wish I could tell my feelings, my thoughts to someone, but I cannot. I must keep this to myself. It is something no one else must ever know. It was not meant to be like this. I was meant to eventually marry some girl, breaking hundreds of hearts at the same time, become incredibly successful at whatever I chose to do and have a couple of kids. That was the plan created for me. That was the way it should have been. 

But ... if I admit my feelings for him, this perfect little plan will disintegrate before my eyes. The fans will desert me and any respect that I once had will be gone for how long? And the pain in my parents' eyes would be indescribable. I do not hold them in much regard, but even I know they would be disappointed in me. Forever in Osamu's shadow, that is what I am. His former glory will never leave me. No, it is better I keep my feelings to myself. For all out sakes, especially my own. And for my love's own sake. His life does not need to be destroyed, just for my salvation. 

But I wish I could tell my love how I feel. 

I wish you could hear Daisuke Motomiya, I wish you could hear my thoughts at this very moment. Would they shock you? Disgust you? Anger you? I wish I knew. You'd probably yell at me, telling me how selfish I am, thinking only of myself. But that is not true. I am thinking of others. I am thinking of you. That is why I am keeping my feelings secret, letting no one know how I really feel. 

I cannot really pinpoint the first time I found myself harbouring feelings for you. It could have been from the very first time I saw you in the Digital World, to only a few months ago. All I knew, was that suddenly only seeing you, fighting you, being _near_ you, caused an unaccustomed fluttering inside me and wave after wave of fierce emotion, fierce longing to crash over me. All because of you, Daisuke. It was you that caused all of this to happen to me. My fierce desire for you to surface, flinging me into complete turmoil. 

But I am the Digimon Kaiser, I am Ken Ichijouji, famed genius. I cannot be ruffled, nothing can confuse me. But something does. Oh, how it does. The matter that for some reason I hold feelings for another boy; you. I wish I could tell you how I really feel Daisuke, show you how helpless I feel. For one of the few times in my life, I am not in control and it terrifies me. I want to hold you, breathe in the scent of you, pray you feel the same way I do. It tears me apart not being able to. I never believed emotion could affect me. But it does, it certainly does! Like nothing before. 

Now I know why I was so reluctant to feel emotion before, why I forbade it to enter me. Why I now hold everyone, even my parents, in cool contempt. For emotion has entered me, emotion for you, and it is slowly, torturing me like I could never torture a digimon. And the face I must keep it all a secret is even more frustrating. But for you Daisuke, only for you, am I doing this. 

I have seen the way you look at Hikari, Daisuke. Seen the way your eyes soften and how warmth floods them. You smile broadly at her and - if it were possible - you could light up an entire room from the amount you glow. You care deeply for her my love, I can see that. Maybe you even think you may come to love her, I don't know. But she doesn't feel the same way, anyone can see that. Anyone but you. Perhaps she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you so, but she is hurting you far more by continuing a lie. Maybe she just enjoys watching you suffer, relishing every moment your face falls as she continually tells you no. But I don't think so. It is not Hikari Kamiya's nature to be cruel. She has been a kind, compassionate person since she was a child. It is her nature to stay as one. 

I know so Daisuke, my everything. Countless times I have watched you and the others, as you go through the Digital World, destroying my Rings and Towers. I have watched you for so long, memorising your every detail. Your spiky brown hair, with the goggles of Taichi Kamiya on it, your dark brown eyes. Your smile, your laugh, I know it all. I've seen you at your most vulnerable, at your happiest, your most content. I have seen you in your deepest despair, driven by duty and fatigue. I have seen you standing up and fighting for what you believe to be right. Few can do that Daisuke. While many may not know it, or simply refuse to believe it, you are just as special as any of them. 

But when you have faced me, looked at me, all I have seen is anger or hatred. You have never looked at me with humour or laughter in your eyes. Never met me with mischief in those brown depths. All I have seen is a grim determination to defeat me. And there isn't one trace of the feeling I hold for you in your own eyes. You do not hold any feelings for me except hatred and loathing. And it tears me so badly, to know you will never feel for me what I feel for you. 

It is physical torture for me, beloved, as cruel as any torture I bestow on you or any of your friends, or any digimon, to see you sigh after Hikari, day after day, knowing the looks of awe you secretly give her will never be given to me. I have feelings for you Daisuke - feelings I have tried for so long to ignore. I was raised to think it was not right, not proper for boys to love others of the same sex. That lesson never leaves me for a moment. But I cannot forget what I feel for you either Daisuke. I have never felt this way for anyone before. It literally pains me to see you show your affections to someone else. I want it to be me you show your affections to, even though it can never be so. 

I want it to be you secretly smile to. I want it to be me you whisper to, confess your fears and dreams to. It may not seem much, but to me it is something as precious as gold. Gold I will never possess. 

I will never be able to admit my feelings for you Daisuke. Not to you, nor to anyone else. Not only because of my pride, but because I'm afraid. Afraid of what I may have to do if you reject me, afraid of what the others will think, afraid of what society might think. The mighty Ken Ichijouji cannot turn out to be gay. But mostly I'm afraid of what will happen if you accept my feelings towards you - and you turn out to have some of your own for me. 

What sort of future do we hold my love? None that I can see. We are leaders of two groups sworn to hate each other. There is nothing for us. We will forever be torn apart from my past and the dreadful difference between us. The things I have done can never be truly forgotten, nor can they ever truly be forgiven. That much I accept, but the pain does not leave. 

Sometimes I dream, that we had met before any of this has ever happened. Before you became a Digidestined and I became the Kaiser. Would things have turned out differently between us? I cannot help but wonder if they might have. But it is too late now, the past cannot be changed. What is done is done. 

The night is deep now. The moon has long since gone, and the stars are beginning to wink out one by one, as is my hope that there can ever be anything between us Daisuke. For I can never tell you how I feel. That is the honest truth and can never be changed, no matter how much it pains me. I turn now, and walk slowly away, to my bedroom. Loneliness swamps me and slowly, a tear trickles down my cheek. For despite how many refuse to believe it, the Kaiser is human. He has feelings just like everyone else. He and Ken Ichijouji are the same and one. He can cry just like anyone else, he can feel pain and emotions like everyone else. He can feel a hopeless love. 

And at night, I dream Daisuke, my love, my everything. I dream of a different time, a different place. Where things turned out differently and our destinies were different. I dream of something better, something different to what is now. I dream of a time, a place ... when I could have been yours. 

Where you could have been mine.


End file.
